Manswers

Men, as they age, are often regarded as bastions of wisdom:  which is why older men do a lot of sitting, so that they can look important on park benches and answer questions such as "can you recommend a good taco?" or "have you ever stuffed a flying squirrel?"

The manopausal male, because of his vast experience, typically can offer advice on a variety of subjects, even flamingo origami.  And because the older male has nothing better to do, he typically is willing to dispense his wisdom to any who ask:  adults, children, or even tax attorneys.

Most manopausal wisdom is usually dispensed in one of three categories:  sports, romance, and how to find an exceptional cocktail wiener.  But as for manswers, the most common here include:

A sport manswer:  Babe Ruth
A romance manswer:  eat plenty of vitamins

Astoundingly, these manswers satisfy most questions and will usually result with the person asking the question turning into the sunlight, raising an eyebrow, and saying, "I'd never thought of that before, O Wise One!"  Finding these manswers to life's deepest questions does not come easily.  Most men have dedicated long hours to this quest while sitting in the bathroom, pondering these deep mysteries even as they scream, "Can you toss me a roll?"

Naturally, young people who still have a life have not arrived at this level of wisdom, as they have not yet become greeters at Walmart.  The young are too busy playing sports and enjoying romance instead of pondering sports and romance.  The latter is reserved for the manopausal male, who could write dissertations on what he has learned about these things since he stopped participating in them.  He is an expert now.  And when he doesn't have a manswer, he asks his wife, who is typically even more decrepit than he is, and she makes him a grilled cheese sandwich and tells him, "You had me at hello."

The older male sits for hours in total silence, wondering if there is more wisdom he could be dispensing and if he should charge for it.  $1.95 an hour seems about right.  And he considers advertising.

Eventually the manopausal male realizes that no one is listening to him, especially not his children, and his wife is laughing at him behind his back. He decides to keep his opinions to himself--which may be the wisest trick of all--and when he goes to bed at night, he is thankful that he listened to himself and made the extra effort to floss his molars.  He must protect his wisdom teeth, even though all of them are filled with lead and serve as receptors to high-frequency radio stations being transmitted from Uzbekistan.  He goes to bed at night realizing that the Mayans were incredibly wise--being able to predict the end of the world and all.  His world will end soon, which brings him back to romance.  And when that doesn't work out, he turns on the TV and watches sports.  He knows all there is to know about badminton.  But he hasn't played in years.