Dressed Up And No Place to Go

I'm always willing to dress for dinner.  I've got the suits to swing it: black, navy blue, gray, beige, khaki, various pin-striped and solids, traditional and Italian cut.  I'm willing to wear any of these suits to Wendy's, McDonald's, even White Castle.  My wife knows this. 

We rarely dress for dinner, however.  Never at home.  And we rarely go out.  When we do, my wife wants me, generally, to dress down.  But I've got the suits.  Why can't I wear the suits?  Wendy's could use a little class, I think.  And when I wear my suit to McDonald's, I always want fries with that.

Men, for the most part, aren't dressers.  Men are utilitarian creatures.  We put on a T-shirt in the morning (probably one we've worn for the past week without washing it) and we work in this shirt all day, cutting wood with a chainsaw, perhaps, or painting the house with a one-inch brush.  And then, after a full day of sweating in the elements, the wife wants to go out to dinner.  We don't worry about changing clothes.  We know that a few spritzes of after-shave can cover a week's worth of aroma.  Or, at least, we don't notice any difference in our scent.  When food is involved, we are ready at a moment's notice.  Why change clothes?

But as men get older, they don't work as long.  They can't.  Most of their energies are expended in the form of getting out of bed and navigating stairs without falling.  Small things, like frying an egg, wears them to a frazzle.  Laundry is an all-day activity that requires an enormous expenditure of concentration and could even cause a stroke.  Padding to the refrigerator could cause serious internal damage to the liver or blow out a knee.

Manopause men don't have T-shirts that fit.  They are willing to dress for dinner.

Women, on the other hand, want to be comfortable as they get older.  The manopause woman is into loose fitting sweat suits and Met-Life windbreakers.  She dresses in layers in case she has a hot flash when she's ordering from the value menu at Wendys.  That way she can strip in public, and she never wants fries with that.

For these reasons and more, the manopause male is at a serious advantage over the older woman when it comes to dressing up.  He's got the suits to swing it.  The wife has clothes that no longer fit due to swelling and water retention.  She's losing eggs but gaining weight.  The man is gaining closet space for the first time in his life.

I'm willing to dress for dinner.  When my wife is finished with her next hot flash, she's willing to go out.  I'm taking her to Long John Silvers.  I'll be ordering chicken.