Olympic-sized Physical

Today I venture into the doctor's office for the annual physical. This appointment is daunting, and is nothing like the routine physical of the young Olympic athlete. I must bring my checkbook. And my nerve.
In the annual physical the older male is subjected to a series of pokes, prods, and needle-jabs--all designed to insure him that he is ageing as God intended and will die at the appropriate 78.5 years allotted him. Among the various indicators of his health include:

Blood Pressure Check--which is conducted in handcuffs by a beautiful nurse who, afterwards, asks him to disrobe. Naturally, this sends his blood pressure sky high and the doctor immediately administers medication to offset these "excited palpitations".

Cholesterol Jab--here a large needle, roughly the size of Wyoming, is inserted into the older man's arm and a quart of blood is siphoned into a Styrofoam cup. The blood is sent to a lab in Indonesia where it is subjected to a series of picklings, boilings, and consistency tests. The results are sent back over the internet to the doctor's office, along with a menu of lunch options, where a nursing staff interprets the results and determines that the older male is a high-health risk and must immediately be dropped by his insurer. Naturally, there is laughter, but after drawing straws the losing nurse calls the older male and informs him that his cholesterol level is higher than Mount Everest and that, statistically, he should have died four years ago when he last ate at Denny's. Options are offered, including giving up the donuts, cutting out the ice cream, or nixing the butter. The older male rolls the dice of fate and continues to enjoy them all.

HDL--this is the "good cholesterol" which the older male should have in abundance. Naturally, he has little of it, and also tests for low levels of testosterone, libido, and will-power. The doctor tells him to eat more nuts, but the older male is already eating forty pounds of almonds per day and rarely has a banana. Again, the prognosis is not pretty and the doctor, at this point, usually throws up his hands and says, "I can't work like this!"

Eye and Ear Check--here a bright light is shined into the eyes and the older male is asked to read an eye chart containing words like "GYBRZNIK" and "XTUBLUMP", which he cannot pronounce. Afterwards, a sharp instrument is inserted into the ears and the doctor yells, "Can you hear me now!?"

Prostate Exam--enough for today. We shall save this for another time.