Cyber Monday Man

Statistics reveal that over 90% of Cyber Monday shoppers are men, and over 50% of these males complete their shopping while sitting on the sofa in a tattered pair of boxer shorts.  The most popular item purchased on Cyber Mondays are those shrink-wrapped baskets of summer sausage and stinky cheese, which means that most manopausal males are purchasing gifts for other males and that women should clear the room on Christmas morning.

Cyber Mondays are popular with the manopausal male because he doesn't have to leave the comfort of his own home and hob-knob at the mall with 50,000 women in faux furs.  He can empty his bank account with Bed, Bath & Beyond purchases.  He can shop at Target, Pottery Barn, and the Lid Factory without burning a gallon of gas . . . even while he passes gas . . . and since he is alone at home, he can eat more nacho chips.

Manopausal males love Cyber Mondays because they can complete their entire Christmas shopping in less than twenty minutes and still feel good about themselves in the morning.  They never have to worry about returning items for exchange, not even tube socks, and they can also purchase items for themselves--such as fourteen pound cans of mixed nuts--and delude themselves into believing they are getting a bargain.

The manopausal male also loves Cyber shopping because he can casually drop questions into dinner conversation with his wife such as, "What do you want for Christmas?" or "Name five items you love that cost less than $10.95!"  In essence, the manopausal male can purchase the same item for his wife which he has purchased for the past thirty years . . . which is a bottle of perfume . . . and he can justify it by reasoning that he is making his wife smell better.  Naturally, the woman would like more variety in her Christmas gifts, but this is impossible, given the strict rules and time-constraints inherent in the male shopping season--which has now been reduced to a twenty-four hour time period or half time of a Notre Dame football game.  The older male knows he can do no better--which is exactly how he feels about sex--and so he presses the "my shopping cart" key with abondon until the bank calls to inform him he is, at last, overdrawn.

By the time Cyber Monday comes to an end, the President informs the general public that the fiscal cliff is no longer a problem, as the federal government has received more than 80 trillion dollars from Walmart purchases alone, and the women haven't even started shopping yet.

Just wait until Christmas.  The manopausal male once again holds out the hope that he will die before the holiday enters full bore.  And for comfort, he cooks another pot of soup.