Man About Town

Sooner of later the manopausal male is forced to venture out of his home.  This usually occurs when his wife conscripts him to shop for Christmas gifts or when he he doesn't see his shadow.  Naturally, going public, he must then put clothes on, as his usual attire is not suitable for a visit to Radio Shack. 

When the older male ventures forth into society, he clearly lacks the savvy necessary to navigate a Walmart aisle, and yet he knows where to find a pound of bacon.  He feels conspicuous, and hopes that he will not run into anyone he knows.

As the male ages, he also desires to get his shopping done in as little time as possible.  This time-saving enterprise is important, as he knows he has less time to mess with.  So, he shops quickly--much like a jack rabbit on amphetamines.  The older male is an expert, for example, at stocking food for an entire week in less than five minutes by visiting the frozen food aisle where the hot pockets are displayed. He can purchase a greeting card for his wife in less than fifteen seconds if the word "love" is written on the outside of the card (the card's guts are unimportant, as he knows women care more about love than they do other sentiments like "world peace", "beautiful eyes" or "that thing you do to me when you say 'beer nuts' with that alluring lilt to your voice").  The older male can also complete his Christmas shopping in less than twenty minutes, especially if all of his gifts can be found in a single aisle at Target. 

Once the older male completes his shopping he is usually famished, and if he is in a mall, he begins the search for an Orange Julius.  Naturally, after an hour, he realizes that this establishment went out of business decades ago and he settles for a Cinnabon.  He sits in the food court for another fourteen hours while his wife completes her shopping and returns with one measly bag.  "Nothing was on sale," she announces.  But the older male knows this is a ploy to get him out of the house the following weekend and he grows to resent it.  He eats another Cinnabon to stave off depression.

The manopausal male returns to his lair, bloated and weary, and assumes his previous attire in sweat pants and coffee-stained T-shirt.  His wife wants to know why he changed his clothes so quickly, as she was hoping they could go out to dinner.  He offers to fix a big box of Hamburger Helper.  The woman weeps. 

The older male succumbs to pressure and dons his finest dark suit and red tie.  The woman perks.  They smile at each other.  He can't wait to get to Wendy's.