Understanding Male Evolution

The genesis of the modern male has long been the subject of debate.  Centuries ago, it was believed that males arrived when a woman and a midwife screamed at each other in a secluded room, the male being delivered on horseback by a circuit preacher named "Freddie".  However, as people slowly left behind these superstitions and entered the era of modern medicine and disposable diapers, they came to realize that the modern male has evolved through centuries of trail-and-error and because dad didn't wear a condom.

Biologists, however, have identified several stages of the male evolution.

The Neolithic Period
     In this earliest stage, the male emerges out of a stooping position, having spent too many years as a catcher in little league baseball.  He stands erect for the first time during his middle school years, revealing inches of butt crack hanging over the tops of his blue jeans, which are belted, roughly, at his knees.  During this early period of development, biologists agree that the male begins to grunt, forming the sounds necessary to communicate his need for a corn dog.  These sounds, though not yet a formed language, do possess the rudimentary elements of an alphabet, and some males at this stage can recite the A, B, C's.  The Neolithic Period in essence is defined by the formation of limbs, with some males beginning to sprout hair underneath the loin cloth.

The Neanderthal Period
     This stage of male development, known in some circles as the "terrible twenties", sees a rapid rise in the male interest toward the opposite sex.  Here the male ventures out of his chicken bone-littered lair and tries to grab a female interest by such feable attempts as flowers, boxes of assorted road kill, or poetry written on cave walls with charcoal and glow-in-the-dark stickers.  Some of these poems represent the first formed language of the male, and can involve words like "love", "eHarmony" and "honkers".  This stage of male development, however, is very basic, and should not be confused with the fully formed man.  The mature male, generally, does not evolve until much later, usually just weeks before his death, when his wife realizes how much his life insurance policy is worth.

The Cro-Magnon (or Modern Male) Period
     Biologists agree that the modern male does not emerge until the creation of baseball.  This period of male development can best be defined by 1. a back that is fully covered with hair 2. the waxing of the back 3. balding.  In this stage of male development we encounter a man who is fully articulate, who can speak of "disillusionment" or "antidisestablishantarianism" or "golf".  Here the male is also able to express himself openly and honestly with an older woman, offering compliments such as "you're squeezably soft" or "hello!" or "I love what you've done with the place."  The Cro-Magnon male is fully developed in every way, including his nipples, and he generally sports four or five tattoos, two of which involve snakes and skulls.  Scientists have discovered evidence of the Cro-Magnon male in such places as Siberia, Milwaukee, and Sammy's Sports Bar and Grill.  

As you can see, the evolution of the male has not been a quick or easy slope.  Centuries have been involved, and a great deal of liquor.  Women, in particular, will want to check their men carefully to make sure they are fully developed.  There are always signs.  Any man who still pees in the woods is a keeper.