Muffin Tops

Unlike a woman, a man with a muffin top doesn't worry about hiding his weight.  But this display, of course, is an art.

Most men prefer to begin with a T-shirt that is two sizes too small.  This will insure that the muffin top squeezes out appropriately at the bottom of the shirt, and the man's torso will then take on the appearance of a rubber band wound taught around a warm stick of butter.  He prefers this squeeze effect and feels that the muffin top offers him the tough look that will enable him to pick up chicks (usually chain-smoking women with names like Sugar or Lulu who possess, themselves, muffin tops of ample proportions and who talk in low tones--lower, even, than the men they are attracted to).

If the tight T-shirt doesn't work, men will opt for the belt cincture.  This is popular among plumbers and refrigerator repairmen, and usually results in stretch marks, which can look quite sexy on older men who don't have anything else to do.  A large belt, wrapped twice around the torso and cinched tightly at the top of the pelvis, will splay the muffin top to either side of the belt . . . and will offer the appearance of an infinity pool.  Used in this way, the belt cincture can usually produce muffin tops that hang down to the knees and can be used as gun holsters or fanny packs. 

Many men also find that a dark tan helps their cause.  Muffin tops with freckles don't usually command attention at the beach. But when a man has a bronzed beauty skirting his mid-rift he feels ample, as if he has a twin, and sometimes he names his muffin top and refers to it in the third person, as in:  "And how is Rumpelstiltskin doing today?" or "Would Laughy-Taffy like to go for a little walk?" or "Hey, Milton, mind if I rub you down with a little Coppertone?"

Women, of course, find these traits charming and endearing, and women can often be overheard saying, "Isn't he and his friend the cutest thing?"

Men who are looking to get rid of their muffin tops often go through withdraw symptoms.  They know they need to part ways, but it's difficult--being on a first-name basis for so long. 

Older men are a long way from a six-pack, and for many, it's been years since they could look down and see their own shoes.