Why Do Men Play Golf?

I no longer golf.  I used to.  But back in my day we called it "hacking".  Each round consisted of a new box of balls, which I promptly and consistently hooked and sliced into the woods, waters, and sand traps . . . many of which were not even listed on the course itself.  Some of these "traps" and "hazards" were more commonly knows as "windshields" or "front yards" or "nursing home cafeterias".  I have played out of these rough positions on more than one occasion and my backswing was often limited due to the octogenarians pressing up against me in their wheelchairs.

Golf is, perhaps, the most manly of sports.  One might not reach this conclusion from watching professional golfers--what with their matching polo shirts and slacks and their prima donna caddies--but for the average guy, golf requires more than two balls.

It is true that some women enjoy golf, but there are far more men who try to play the game.  Trouble is, most men can't play at all.

And women want to know why a man will spend $1000 on a set of clubs, $500 on attire, $75 for greens-fees, and $25.95 for a new box of Calloways when he can't even hit a green in regulation? 

Let me explain.

Golf is the only game that involves nature the way that God intended it, and the way that Jack Nicklaus designed it.  It is the only game that combines wind, grass, weeds, trees, sand and air with a full bag of four-letter words.  Golf is, perhaps, the only game that men feel they can still play from a prone position, or even if they are on a ventilator machine, and every man fancies that he is a great putter. 

In short, golf is like making love, and men use golf as a substitute for this activity as they grow older and their wives reach menopause and don't want to be touched.  Golf is the game of manopause, and even if a man can't walk a straight line any more, he knows he can always yank a five iron out of his bag and have a go at the green.  There's nothing happening at home and that's why he goes to the course.

It's true of professional golfers, too.  Otherwise, they would be playing basketball and trying to score.

Watching golf on TV is like watching paint dry, or watching the grass grow.  And that's why women don't understand the attraction.  Isn't there something more exciting than golf?

Actually, anything is more exciting than golf, but again, golf is the game of the sexually-deprived.  What woman, after all, would find a guy named "Bubba" exciting?  But men can identify with a golfer who cries on the 18th hole.  We've all been there.

Naturally, being the real man that I am, I gave up golf years ago.  That, and my shoulders are so full of arthritis, I can no longer swing a club.

I'm saving what little I have left for my marriage.  And besides, my irons are bent.