Kid Stuff

The manopausal male often has older children.  And he can't wait for these children to move out so he can enjoy a second-honeymoon with his remarkably old wife.

Children are, of course, a blessing . . . but this is a very broad assumption and may not apply if, for example, a nearly nineteen-year-old son is consuming upwards of two hundred dollars a week in fresh fruits and vegetables or is considering applying to a liberal arts college that will cost his father a kidney and a spleen--which the father intends to sell on eBay. 

Manopausal fathers, of course, love their children, but this is only in the abstract, as in:  "Well, naturally I love them. My wife endured tremendous pain to birth them while I was watching ESPN Sportscenter, and I missed the second half of the Duke game, which is horrendous . . . but, yeah, my kids are super!"

The ageing father shows love toward his children in a variety of ways including, but not limited to:

Sacrificing the entirety of his pension to pay for college
Going without bread and water for seven weeks so his kids can eat surf'n turf
Demanding that his wife work longer hours
Dumping leftover alcoholic beverages into the gas tank to save on fuel costs
Selling a kidney on eBay
Selling his wife

Naturally, older children appreciate a father who makes all of these sacrifices, and they frequently brag about their father to their many friends--all of whom have pierced necks and various snake tattoos emblazoned on their midrifts.  Children know that their father is offering them a bright future through his many sacrifices, and they can't wait for him to die so they can reap the benefits of a small life insurance policy (through DAD Mutual) and open the lockbox at the bank.  They frequently write their father letters of concern, wanting to know how he is feeling presently, and if there is any new word from the doctor.

But the manopausal father wants to do more. He is always asking, "What else can I sell?"  He considers sperm, but his wife reminds him he is very low in that department due to decreased testosterone levels, and suggests he sell plasma or his left eyeball instead.  

In the end, there is nothing left to do but love.  And the decrepitly old male can do this in spades.  He still loves his wife and his family and looks forward to seeing them on the weekends when he has finished his 80 hour shift at work.  Some day he hopes to remember their names and birthdays.

He also enjoys receiving greeting cards himself.  And he hopes the sentiments expressed are accurate.