Never Kick a Man When He's Down

Men have feelings.  This may come as a shock to many women.  Especially women who know men or who happen to be married to one.

Men, of course, don't express their feelings with the same depth that women do.  We rarely weep openly, for example . . . but we may cry for long periods of time in private, especially in the mornings when we glance at ourselves in the mirror.  Men also don't express their feelings in the same way . . . that is, verbally.  We tend to communicate through grunts, eye-brow raises, and obscene hand gestures.  Sometimes we pick our noses to express boredom.

A man is most vulnerable to his feelings when he is depressed.  This is the one time when women should take advantage of a man's fragile state of mind and ask for more help around the kitchen.  He is likely to give it.  When a man is depressed he is far more likely to discuss his fragile emotional state with a woman and also to watch re-runs--maybe even entire seasons--of Sex and the City.  He may be open to talking about how he feels.  But don't be surprised if he says, "Feel?  How do you think I'm feeling?  You wanna know how I'm feeling?  I'll tell you how I'm feeling!"

When a man is feeling down he is twice as likely as, say, a man on a golf course or a fellow cutting off three fingers with a chain saw, to discuss sex or finances or his favorite Yankee candle scent with a woman.  A woman might ask, "How are you feeling today?"

And a Niagara of emotion might come spilling out.  Women should be aware that, at this point, a man might blame his mother, or his boss, or even the poodle trimmer.  He might cry buckets.  He may also ask for a grilled cheese.  For God's sake, make him one!

Vulnerable men are the most fun to live with.  A man who is open and emotional and tender as a newborn will be far more likely to play Skip-Bo or Settlers of Cataan.  A man who is high on life has a life . . . he's not interested in talking about his feelings or sitting on the couch next to a wife. He'll be out there enjoying life and driving with the top down, even if he doesn't own a convertible. 

But a man who is depressed can't go anywhere.  He has no prospects.  There's not another woman who would have him.  He believes this.  He's come to this realization after much psychotherapy and intensive shock treatments.  That's why he's sticking with the woman he married.  There's no one else out there for him, and even if there were, she would be living in Hong Kong and he knows that purchasing an airline ticket would be a bitch.

For these reasons and more, women should keep their men heavily sedated with a barrage of bad news.  If he's feeling down, ladies . . . you're on top of the world.

All a man asks is, when he's down, don't kick him too hard.  And please don't kick him in the soft parts with a pointed-toe shoe.  He's got enough to worry about with his prostate.