Toward that end, we offer here a few tips that will make these home repairs both enjoyable and rewarding. In fact, a man might even get sex as a reward, so long as he doesn't electrocute himself or paint his face blue.
So, let's begin . . .
First, as for plumbing. A man should make sure that he has the appropriate tools. This may require that he spend upwards of two thousand dollars on a full set of pipe wrenches, cutters, vice grips, sockets, and a soldering gun. If he can afford these, he can do his own plumbing repairs and can also be assured that he will never need any of these tools. All he will need is a ball peen hammer and a full slate of curse words. A drip bucket also comes in handy after a man breaks the pipe in half and, during the winter, the bucket can also be used as a spare toilet next to the bed in case his children need to puke. In addition, it always comes in handy to know where the "shut-off" valves are in the basement, so that the water supply can be cut off entirely for two months while his wife works evenings and weekends to locate a plumber named "Delicious Dave".
Now, on to painting. Every man believes he can paint. And well. In fact, most men will say--when they are standing in front of a Picasso--"Hell, I coulda painted that!" His wife will point out, however, that Picasso was both a genius and a great lover--both attributes that he lacks--and that her husband could scarcely complete a canvas of the ocean in a paint-by-number set designed for Kindergartners. Nevertheless, every older man will attempt to paint the living room at least once, and the basement twice before his wife slaps his forehead with a wet paint stick and says, "I'm calling a painter!" But if the man insists on painting a room, here is how it should be done.
Step one: cover the carpeting with fourteen layers of newspaper and drop cloths.
Step two: Spill the first gallon of paint off the high ladder and get this out of the way. (The man should tell his wife, "See, I did this early in the procedure so you can stop bitching. And can you hand me another gallon?")
Step three: Using a roller saturated with two pounds of "Methane Blue" or "Eggshell White", jump off the top rung of the step ladder, yell "Heeeyaaaa!", and lacquer an entire wall from ceiling to floor in one fell swoop, thus saving enormous amounts of time by having to apply a second coat.
Steps four-through-seven: repeat this procedure for all four walls.
Now, on to electrical . . .
As simple as this sounds, many men forget to turn off the electricity before they begin an electrical repair project. But these two things are related, and that is why many men are electrocuted when they attempt to repair a George Foreman grill. (These grills, however, cannot be repaired . . . just remove the hamburgers.)
Electricity, it should be pointed out, can be dangerous, and ranks right up there among the reasons for domestic death right alongside 1. falling asleep in the shower and drowning 2. eating cat food by mistake 3. getting stuck in the chimney and becoming a smoked ham 4. and being asphyxiated by pulling open the teenage son's sock drawer.
However, if a man is going to undertake an electrical home repair he should first get a permit from the city. This will take months, during which time the wife will forget about the light fixture all together and will get used to cooking over a kerosene stove by candle light. This is not really all that dangerous (not as dangerous as the man fixing the electrical) and will actually serve to bond husband and wife together, making them feel that they are defeating the forces of nature and getting back to their roots on Little House on the Prairie. The man, however, should take note that low light can lead to romance, which can lead to hanky-panky, which can lead to children.
Better fix the light.
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