Retirement Calculator

Sooner or later the manopausal male begins to calculate when he can retire.  These calculations are based on many factors, including his general health, the beginning of the NFL season, and how many years he anticipates his wife can continue to work in order to pay utility bills and green's fees.  The manopausal male often hires a financial planner to help him work up an impressive list of facts and figures designed to confuse the hell out of him.  Financial planners can be found in the yellow pages under the heading:  Adult Services and Financial Escorts.

Many of these financial planners work the streets at night looking for clients and as a man nears retirement, he can usually pick up a planner on the cheap at a local bar. 

Manopausal males also become adept at interpreting the numbers associated with retirement.  For example, older males know what the stock market is (a casino), where it is located (someplace out east), and how it works (like Facebook).  Older males also have their favorite investments, and most males are still looking for the jars of Sacajawea dollars they buried in the back yard back in 1997.  That is why older males can frequently be seen with metal detectors on the beach.

In essence, the manopausal male calculates his total value based upon three factors:  how much life insurance money he will receive when his wife kicks the bucket; how much money he will receive when he remarries the young chick in wholesale distributing who is still raking in child support payments from her ex-husband; and the value of his baseball card collection which is stored in his mother's attic.

A shrewd financial planner can also offer help by providing several mathematical tools designed to confuse women and trick the IRS.  One of these calculations has something to do with E=mc2 and the other involves an algebraic logarithm about a chimpanzee who saves two bunches of bananas each week for forty years and ends with the question:  "How many bananas will Bonzo have when he is sixty-five?"

Retirement calculators, of course, are designed to help older men determine if they will outlive their wives, and by how much.  Determining his wife's demise is much like figuring the spread in a horse race, and many men, as they near retirement, begin calling their wives names like "Double-Ur-Money" or "Backstretch Nellie" or "Down-to-the-Wire Wanda".  Some men consult veterinarians to determine their options should their wives pull up lame.

Retirement, naturally, is a bitch . . . and most men discover that they have only saved enough money to retire for three months.  Because of this, they plan low-cost retirement trips to Acron and Buffalo and eat lots of Aldi specials such as canned Cream-of-Hominy.  Some men fall into depression and move to Florida to play shuffle-board for two weeks before they have their heart attacks. 

In the end, the manopausal male realizes that no one is responsible for his retirement except himself . . . and he begins to look for other investment vehicles such as creating his own bottled-water label or selling his wife's gold jewelry at pawn shops.

Some of these investment vehicles are completed on the sly, but if he's efficient, he should be able to attain his retirement number by the time he is eighty-seven.