Stages of a Man's Life

A man experiences three stages of adulthood.  These stages are well-documented in back issues of Better Homes & Gardens and have a profound impact on the ageing process.  Although these stages are known by different names in various cultures (The Tres Dingos, for example, in Latin cultures), they can be loosely defined as follows:

Minipause:  the early stage of a man's life, commonly known as youth, when everything is very small and tight-fitting, and a man can get by with wearing his pants down around his ankles and still keep a job.  This phase is commonly defined by lower pay, school debt, and an insatiable urge for Gatorade.  During this phase the man is also searching the internet for a suitable mate and is infatuated with car engines and all-you-can-eat buffets.  The phase ends abruptly when the man marries or abandons spicy tacos in favor of Pepto Bismol. 

Moneypause:  this mid-life stage is defined by family and income concerns and can last anywhere from five to fifty-five years. During this phase the man is working upwards of 125 hours a week, including weekends and holidays, and earns an average of 25-cents an hour.  This, the three of the longest phases, is the most depressing, although some men attempt to compensate for this blue period by coaching Little League baseball or pretending that they have a sex life.  If a marriage is going to fall apart, it is usually during this phase, but a woman can usually tell if the man is unhappy if he says something like, "Have you seen my car keys?" or "Chicken again?  Really?" or "I want a divorce."  Women can compensate for the man during this phase by earning twice his salary or by keeping a fully-stocked pantry and plenty of beer.

Manopause:  This final stage of a man's life can be enjoyable if his wife is still hot or if the mortgage has been burned.  Manopause is defined by an ability to enjoy the simple pleasures of life, such as a twenty-four ounce T-bone steak, a magazine subscription, or a new package of underwear.  Basically the man hibernates on the couch during this period and has continued difficulty walking to the refrigerator to retrieve a carrot stick.  His wife, if he has trained her well, waits on him hand-and-foot and frequently bakes cookies and calls him "sugar", "sweetheart" or "you gorgeous stud-muffin."  The man, of course, can always find energy enough for a game of golf, but essentially he is content to stay in the house and wait for death.  If he lives long enough, he may enter a fourth stage of life--Mortipause--but this is rare, and a stage reserved only for those men who live past 100 and can still do the Tango with a twenty-year old wife who has married him for his vast estate (see "politicians" or "TV personalities").

Naturally, this is only a guide, and results may vary from man to man.  If you feel that you don't fit into any of these stages, don't despair.  Wait a few years and reassess.  Eventually things will fall into place and you'll have your first prostate exam.  This will clear out the cobwebs.