Understanding Your Colonoscopy

Eventually the older male succumbs to doctor's orders and makes an appointment for his first colonoscopy.  He doesn't understand the need for it, obviously, and there can be a copious amount of anxiety and dread surrounding the procedure.  But understanding the importance of the colonoscopy is the first step.  And if a man can wrap his mind around this, he can eventually have some fun with the procedure.

So . . . let's be clear.

The colonoscopy was invented by Hans Gastric, a German veterinarian who perfected his art on horses and large rodents.  The year was 1857, and these first medical instruments were crude in comparison to the ones used today.  The procedure, of course, was designed to make men feel at ease about their health, operating under the theory that, if a doctor could examine the insides of a man, the doctor would receive a large research grant and get published in a prestigious medical journal and eventually move to America and live in the Hamptons.

As many men point out, the preparation for a colonoscopy is actually worse than the procedure itself.  This preparation phase is awkward, as it includes a visit to the pharmacy where the patient must stand in a long line and yell out, "Hey, I'm here to cleanse my colon!"  Following this public announcement, a young pharmacist will laugh and produce the appropriate drink, whereby the man is given a choice between flavors of Lemon-Lime and Tooty-Fruity.  (Word of advice: don't take any medicine with word "Tooty" in it!)

Once the man has prepared for the procedure, he will then need to secure a ride to and from the clinic.  This is important, since the man will not want to ride with anyone who needs to stop on the way home for a hair appointment with a stylist named Wanda June.  Discussion of the route to and from the clinic is important, as the colonoscopy, for a man, is the same as having a baby. 

Men, obviously, want to know, what goes on during the procedure itself?  Well, it's not that big of a deal.  The man is usually under sedation, and during the procedure the doctors play several rounds of Euchre or, in some upscale hospitals, Bridge.  Usually the anesthetist will tell a dirty joke involving a farmer's daughter.

The man is also under sedation during this procedure, but may recall, days later, hearing the doctors scream, "Thar she blows!" or "Whatta ya make of this one, Howie?"  During the procedure the man may experience a slight sensation in his abdomen, but these vibrations are no worse than he might experience if he were to attend a Metallica concert or if he were to allow a gerbil to run free inside his deodenum.  In less than three hours the procedure is complete, the doctors record notes and deal a final hand of Pinochle, and then insert the cork.

The colonoscopy is now complete and the man can relax.  He returns home under the watchful care of his family, a small group of people who make fun of him and who keep asking, "So . . . how was it?"