Card Carrying Member

By the time the male species has entered manopause, his hip pocket is bulging under the extra fat of his wallet, for he is porting a preponderance of plastic cards--all designed to give value to his life and siphon gigantic sums of money from his bank account.  His wallet is loaded with cards for car insurance, health insurance, dental, gym membership, debit, and grocery.  He may also be porting gift cards, key cards, rental cards and, under certain circumstances, a stack of family photos that makes him walk like Charlie Chaplin and is leading him toward a hip replacement. 

The older man, however, enjoys carrying these cards. Whenever he opens his wallet in the grocery store and a pile of cards tumble out, he feels tough.  The sight of these cards sends an adrenaline rush through his system.  He hopes the younger females of the species will take note and swoon at the sight of his Senior Discount Card from McDonalds.  

Often, when the manopausal male is in league with other older men, he will compare notes, and ask how much they have saved by switching to Geico.  He will calculate how much a senior discount will save him on an oil change at Grease Monkey.

Naturally, there are older men who flaunt their card-carrying status, pointing out that they were just recently accepted into the American Express Club or were given Gold status at Hertz rental car.  Others attempt to trump these accomplishments by mentioning their frequent-flyer miles or by flashing the Blue Cross Blue Shield insurance card that paid for their most recent colonoscopy and polyp removal.  And yes, a few older men--but these are just the scum bags--feel obligated to flash their CVS discount cards to prove that they saved $1.95 on their most recent Viagra prescription.

Most older males, however, go about their card-carrying duties with an air of humility.  They realize that a 10% discount card at Home Depot will only take them so far (maybe through a pack of 40-watt bulbs) and after that, they will have to hire help or ask their wives to fix the sink.  They don't flaunt the plastic in their wallets and, in order to save themselves from the air of disapproval, they eat off the Wendy's value menu instead of brandishing a VISA at Applebees. 

Eventually, the manopausal male will pre-plan his own funeral and pay for it by writing a bad check.  He knows it will bounce.  But it beats credit.  And the funeral director will never be able to discuss the matter with the deceased.