First, if the man is not married, his new manopausal status catapults him into the arena of "the truly desperate." He knows he has little time to waste and so he fills out an application on e-Harmony or Match.com and finds the one woman (usually located in Slovenia or Sasquatch, Alaska) who has five of the seven compatibility features he is looking for: the most important of these being money. He has no desire to date a rich lady, and so he gets married over the internet, or at the bar in Topeka where they meet for the first time (bartenders, we've been told, can perform marriage ceremonies in case of emergency and, by God, this is one!).
The married male, on the other hand, has no need to date, either. Once the children are grown and have moved out of the house and the cat is dead, the married man and woman realize that every day--especially every evening--is a date night. They can come and go as they please. Eat whatever they like. Make love on top of the washing machine when it kicks into the spin cycle. They can even watch Conan O'Brien and fall asleep on the couch in a spooning position. These things never happen . . . but they are possible.
Non-manopausal people, however, might not recognize these evenings as "date nights". They are, after all, fixated on finding a baby sitter or setting aside the twenty-five minutes needed to make a quick dash to Arby's without the kids. These non-manopausal losers must rely on heavy orchestration to plan even the feeblest attempts at "solitude" and, if they go to dinner, normally don't finish the main course and carry home most of their fillet Mignon in a doggie bag.
For the manopausal male, however, every day is a date night. When he meets his wife after work, he usually asks, "What would you like to do tonight?" The field is wide open--and the couple has so many choices they generally feels like they are shopping at Target. In most instances, since the wife is too tired to fool around or eat Hamburger Helper, the male suggests that they go for a hike or pack up the kayaks. The woman suggests they drive uptown or, perhaps, make a two-hour visit to Home Depot to look at carpet swatches. These scenarios constitute a manopausal date.
But there are others. Including:
Date #1
The woman comes home from a twelve-hour work day and says, "I just need to talk tonight. I want to tell you about the horrible day I had!" They walk to Starbucks and the male pretends to listen for four-and-a-half hours while he writes an incredible essay about Polar Bear scat. Yes, this is a date, and one of the better ones, actually.
Date #2
The male bursts through the front door at home and announces that he has no evening meetings, no work to do, and is at the complete disposal of the woman's whims or pleasures. She is elated at his availability and asks him to paint the trim in the downstairs bathroom. Yes, this is a manopausal date and is an evening the woman will long remember.
As you can see, the manopausal dating experience for the married man is filled with fits of excitement and lots of heavy breathing. That is why, after each date, the married male enjoys a cold beverage and sleeps like a baby.
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