Mr. Domestic

The traditional American marriage consists of one man at rest and one woman laboring under the burden of housework.  However, as any manopausal male can attest, a woman's expectations rise on the sharp curve of ageing, and once the nest is emptied of children, a man can expect to shoulder far more of the domestic pursuits.  Essentially he will be doing everything around the house in exchange for his wife's salary and the promise of a yearly sexual rendezvous, which usually lasts about three minutes.

The older male becomes adept at cooking, cleaning, scouring, mopping, scrubbing, stacking, shining and vacuuming.  (He does not, however, under any circumstances, wash windows or do laundry.  His wife knows he can wear a single thread of underwear for weeks on end and this will pressure her to do a load.)

As time passes in the empty nest, the manopausal male also begins to clip coupons and create shopping lists.  He watches for meat specials and buys in bulk.  He inspects expiration dates.  And then one day his wife comes home, opens the freezer, and discovers that he has stuffed it with 250 Swanson's Low-Calorie Meatloaf dinners because these were "on special."

It takes four months to eat through this inventory, but the manopausal male doesn't mind.  He enjoys meatloaf and can eat it for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  His wife, on the other hand, craves variety.  She not only enjoys variety in food, but craves a broad array of scents.  So he purchases a Yankee candle (Lavender).

This is when the manopausal male realizes that he has come full-circle.  He is concerned with fresh scents around the house, and can no longer tolerate the odors of kid vomit, fermented teenage T-shirts, or dirty diapers.  He purchases a two-gallon caraf of Old Spice.

In time, he comes to see himself as a Domestic Expert.  He begins to give his wife advice on proper dishwashing technique and he throws a tantrum if she leaves a bowl of cereal on the dining room table.  

Eventually, as the man and woman age, their eyesight becomes so dim they no longer see the dust balls on the floor and they begin to operate under the delusion that they are living with an attractive spouse.  This period is known as "the golden years", and the man can't wait to get there so he can hire a young maid to mop the kitchen floor.