Men at Work

Older men, it seems, have difficulty differentiating themselves from their work.  When someone at the AA meeting asks, "What can you tell us about yourself?", the older man always begins by saying, "Hello, my name is Dilbert, and I am a gastroenterologist."

Gastroenterologists are not necessarily prevalent at AA meetings, but you can bet there are plenty of plumbers, teachers, and newspaper editors.  Same goes for federal prison guards, landscape architects and concert cellists.   Men can scarcely be separated from their work.

The older male, eventually, comes to define himself by his work.  That is why older males will fabricate extravagant work-related stories that always end, "And that's how I came to get the big promotion!"  Older males need the structure and accolades that come from extravagant lies and that's why many men, in their latter years, become politicians.

Generally, men love to work . . . unless, of course, they specialize in animal feces or have to light candles in a small cubicle while they write reports about animal feces.  Men prefer the wide open spaces of the showroom, the warehouse, or the basement.  Few have the patience to work with tiny objects like cellular phones or stuffing toys into Happy Meal bags.

Men rarely take their lunch to work.  Women do that.  Rather, men go out to eat in herds and order eighty-ounce steaks.  These are called "business lunches" and roughly four percent of men do not return from them.  These business lunches are also where men talk to other men about their work with other men and where, in certain circles, men later visit the restroom together and stand next to each other while they urinate.  This also counts as a business deduction. 

Older males, as a general rule, also begin work much earlier than their younger counterparts.  While the younger male usually begins his work day at Walmart in the early afternoon, the older male rises at 2 a.m. to begin his day selling catalogue advertising for Pottery Barn or making sure that the Blueberry syrup carafes are full at IHOP. 

These generational differences can also be noted in the fact that most younger males wear tattoo sleeves with a running sexual commentary while their older counterparts carry pocket notes from their wives which read:  Don't forget to bring home a gallon of milk and some chocolate syrup if you expect to make out.  The differences here could not be more apparent, and the older males, of course, make upwards of $.73 more per hour.

When the older male retires from his work, of course, he receives a gold watch--which turns out to have been made in Taiwan.  The older male begins to draw social security even as he harbors resentment toward the young punk from Stanford who inherited his position.  In time, however, he comes to terms with his work history and moves to a trailer park in Florida.

But success doesn't wear off.  You can tell by a man's shoes.  They still have crap on the soles.