Understanding Male Birth Order

Does birth order make a difference?  Scientists and sociologists suggest that birth order has a profound effect on our development as tadpoles, and that, given the proper encouragement, a male can actually grow up to be president of a mid-level bank.

The older male understands this natural order. In fact, it's why he eats ice cream and reads women's magazines at the dentist's office.  He wants to understand basic biology and learn the thirty-nine steps necessary to get a woman into bed.

Understanding his birth order is paramount to this success.

First born males, for example, love cheese more than other primates.  This is because they see themselves as a big block of Limburger (sometimes known as "the big stinky cheese") and they learn how to cut it early.  First born males love their mothers, hate their fathers, and generally lord it over the rest of humanity and make insane pronouncements like:  I am king of the world! or I once belched for fifty-seven seconds! or Would you like to see a superb set of pectorals?  The first born male is also an over-achiever, usually develops his own photographs in a basement darkroom, and goes by the nicknames Honcho, Ringo, or King Alfred on the Can.

Middle-born males are another breed entirely.  The middle-borns (MBs, but not to be confused with BMs), have a penchant for salted meats and usually pick their noses.  They are always in the middle of things and love to go to drive-in-movies.  Most drink Irish Whiskey instead of coffee and generally work in careers that require mediation or flexibility, such as gym teachers, circus contortionists, or as mechanics who can untwist those really small nuts on the backside of a Japanese engine block.  Middle-born males can get along with anyone, even career politicians, and most of them stay up long past their bedtimes.

Youngest-born males can be fun-loving and care-free souls, but if pressed to the wall, they can become first-borns through a simple sex-change operation (and many of them do).  These youngest males, as they age, often grow teats, and most of them have more than twelve dental filings.  Look for younger born males in the candy aisle at the grocery store or at the local Dairy Queen (they will be the ones purchasing Dilly Bars).  Youngest-born males are frequently employed as meteorologists, prison clowns, and as Cedric the Entertainer.  Women love to date them and many youngest-born males ride Harleys.  They wax their legs.  And backs.  And most of them are named "Freddy".   

As you can see, male birth order plays a huge impact in the life, career and romance of the older male.  Women who want to understand the older male, in particular, should take a look at his fake ID and determine if he has the qualities she is looking for in a modern primate who will soon be collecting social security.  Not all men will live up to these high standards, of course.  But if she continues to search, she can usually find a suitable match on the internet or at the local bar.