Anniversary Analysis

When it comes to wedding anniversaries, the older male can often benefit from psychoanalysis.  In these sessions, for example, he learns that everything is his mother's fault and the therapist can suggest many other coping mechanisms that can help him transfer the remaining blame to his wife.  In essence, he discovers that he would be much better suited to living in a cave as a savage, and that evening he asks his wife to consider moving to a hut, preferably one that is in a pizza delivery zone.

A wedding anniversary is a reminder that men and women are, in many respects, of differing species.  While the man, as primate, is suited for utilitarian purposes such as cleaning a carburetor with a grease-soaked rag, the female seems more suited to wearing beautiful leopard-skin attire and selecting home decor.  Men are hunters.  Women are nesters. 

Few men hunt today because they would shoot their eyes out.  And so, in order to make due and give themselves the experience of hunting game, they work at Radio Shack and attempt the far more difficult work of selling out-dated technology to senior citizens.  This is also why so many younger men are electrocuted trying to operate police scanners.

Wedding anniversaries are, of course, the vestige of a by-gone era in which people used to stay married until their teeth fell out.  Many marriages of eras past ended in hangings instead of divorce, and today men cope with these longer marriages by attending football games and lusting after June Cleaver.

Psychoanalysis helps the older male by allowing him to explore his mind.  Here he discovers that he has already lost it . . . and so he compensates by eating bags of potato chips and watching Dragnet reruns.  And as the older menopausal woman continues to change, the older man sleeps on his side of the bed, wondering when it God's name he will be allowed to cover himself in a sheet.  The nights are cold, but according to his mate, they are living in an oven that is hot enough to roast a fifty pound turkey.

The latter anniversaries of a marriage can be analyzed in a variety of ways, and the older male picks one or two of these theories and learns to live in it.  One theory, of course, is that he is still in love . . . and this is why he takes his wife to dinner and attempts, afterwards, to initiate a sexual encounter with phrases like, "Would you like desert?" or "Mind if I sit naked on the couch and watch The Big Bang Theory?"

Another theory is simply this:  that no other woman would have him and this is the best it's going to get.  He learns to live with the latter.  And he realizes he will be writing blogs until he dies.