Empty Nest

The male at mid-life begins to look forward to "the empty nest"--which is that moment in time when the last child leaves home and the cat is buried.  Naturally, the older male has mixed feelings about this new phase of life, but generally these feelings are tempered by extremes that could best be described as "elation", "gratification" and "phosphorescent joy".

Once the nest is empty, of course, the older male dreams of filling his time with new hobbies such as sex, rest, and sex.  These hobbies have, of course, been difficult to achieve during the twenty-three year supervision of children and the teenage inquires at the bedroom door such as, "Can you tone it down?" or "What's all the ruckus about?" or "What are you two doing in there?!"

The older male feels a sense of relief when the empty nest is finally achieved, and he realizes that he only has a few good months remaining in his life.  He will soon be dead, which is the same as being a eunuch, and he wants to get on with it post-haste.  Naturally, this fills him with a sense of urgency and, in the first few weeks of the empty nest period, he may go nuts.  Honeymoon nuts!  His wife will want to move out.

However, as the empty nest period progresses, the older male will settle into his usual boring self and his life will return to normalcy.  He will begin working long hours once again and his menopausal wife will remind him, from time to time, that they should at least check in with their grown children by phone.  The older male will, of course, ask, "What children?"

The wife will, at this point, produce photographs from her purse, weep for the lost ones, and ask, "Where did it all go?"

The male will point to his expanding waistline, clutch at the rumbling in his gut, and return to the kitchen to fix himself another bologna sandwich while his wife mourns.  Later, he will remind her that they are, in fact, alone in the house and that the cat is buried in the yard and that there is nothing to stop them from watching two hours of nude Jeopardy.  The male will also offer to remove his pants while he cooks dinner and will remind his wife that he is willing to perform a dance to any Josh Groban tune.

Later in the evening, after the older male and his wife have worked an additional six hours at home, they will realize that it is past midnight and they  must rise at five a.m.  They have come full circle and returned to their old habits.  They have both forgotten that the cat is dead.

And so they decide to sleep together in the empty nest.  But the only feathers are the ones inside their pillows.  And these are not getting ruffled.